oh it hurt

  Oh it hurt

  Hurt more than I thought

  So it hurt, more than just a loss -

  Loss of a boyfriend -

   I couldn't care less, what I love are my friends.

  I won't digress, it's the truth that I would die for them.

  I don't know how to get over it,

  All I know is that time helps me live.

  I lose a friend, one I care so much for - I realize that tears fallin won't do anygood.

  I found out that things weren't as they seem - I found out, and I think I'm in a dream.

  They cared about me.

Letter to no one, he wouldn't reply if he could win a million bucks

I was just wondering how you were.  You used to be my best friend, so I guess I care.  Even if you did do some mean things, and even if I did some mean things - I still cared.   Luckily I have just celebrated my 6th month anniversary with Peter & it was pretty good, he's white too lol.  He already wants to marry me eventually, I said "HAHAHAHA..oh you're serious? Well maybe when I'm older & you're out of debt from school."  I kinda see things from your perspective a bit, he's a bit too enthusiastic but we get along better.     I sort of normalized, what you said to me woke me up.  I cried for months tbh, but it was needed & no tears were left (it wasn't about you, but more about what you said, like the hair and scars, & that I was a freak that you couldn't introduce to your family).  Haven't cut myself since though, so something good came out of it.   I'm even starting to sell centerpieces hand made & arranged by myself, they're pretty popular along with hand made cards & some random things I make.   I'm doing ok, eating meat again, have a slight tan, blonde hair, nicer skin, & way bigger muscles.  I bet I could take you down :p  Sanity is, different.  Remember though, butterflies not thunderbolts when it comes to relationships.  When you think about it, "love" needs to grow like caterpillars from eggs, & butterflies from caterpillars.  But just remember I loved you as a friend &liked you romantically.  You always seemed to get the two mixed up, & from time to time I think about you & wonder how you're doing; because I cared a lot for you.  I might be a bit mean, but only to people that I care about.  How far can I push a person til they're gone? Right?  If I push them and they stay then they're worth keeping. Heh, Peter is a great example.  The first couple of times I even contemplated breaking up with him he wouldn't let me, lmfao.  I guess I needed a nice white italian boy that cares a little too much too.                                                        Hope you're discovering your true identity - Me

Poltergeist activity & broken hearts

         Is it related to the fact that there seems to be a "ghost" in my home?  In front of my boyfriend & I some poltergeist activity has occurred, such as a mannequin head falling off my bookshelf without any aid (we debunked walking [I even jumped around and shook it, stayed still, & the air conditioner had a cone of hot air around it so we know it was in a spot where the air couldnt reach]).  Then I'll leave the room and find bits of garbage that I PUT in the trash on top of my TV and book shelf.  It's weird but I ignore it and throw it away again just to walk back in to see it on top of something again.  Then, last night there was a loud metallic crash by my foot.  I realized it was the sound of my safe being hit - but there was a laptop on top of it...so nothing could have hit it. o_O  Also, my foot wasn't touching anything nor the comforter which was my initial reaction.  I ignored that too seeing as how I didn't have evidence.  Then I was watching Destination truth and suddenly I saw something white fall off from next to the TV, I thought it was a piece of paper blown off until I heard the jingle of stables.  It was a box of staples in a plastic bag, & the air doesn't even touch it.  I SAW it fall.  RIGHT in front of my eyes.  It's like, "Pay Attention to me!"  Hell to the no, quittit.  It's weird.

     Perhaps that is why I am so heart broken.  I still think about my ex, especially when he had added me to his yahoo profile almost a yr after we broke up.  I tolerated it for a few weeks, then wrote on his page something along the lines of "You never should have lost me." or something & deleted him.

     I loved that man, he was a 10/10 out of a faulty human being.  I really really loved him, but it hurt too.  So that is why I am not with him anymore.  Love is not supposed to hurt ever.

      Man, it hurt so much, just being away from him hurt but I couldn't stand living with him just a few days.  I would have rather lived with my family & my crazy abusive sister who wouldn't stop attacking me at the time. I just packed up and left while he was at work, he was mean.  But I cleaned up and put my stuff that I gave him in his closet instead of stealing it...though I held on to the stupidest thing for a while.  A foam soap dispenser I had gotten him when we first started dating.  It was annoying that he only had it in the kitchen.

    Of course when I took it, it was empty anyway.

     Man, sex with him was so awesome.  Sex with someone you're passionate about is so...fantastic and magical.  You just want to do it over and over, & even if they have bad breath & are starting to smell like old socks from sweating you want to go again.  Like a drug.  It was just a drug.

   His love was a drug.  It hurts that he won't close these open wounds, he doesn't care about me at all does he?  We dated 9 months and after he dumped me after getting mad that I moved out I went into preterm labor and popped out a little fetus which I FLUSHED down the toilet.  It was stuck to a tampon.  I couldn't pee right for a fucking week.  It was so embarrassing, yet I was glad because I did not want to have a baby with him.

   Maybe I was too cruel... I don't know...maybe he was?  Maybe we both were.  All I know is that it was an emotional rollercoaster, and my heart still aches.  

    Peter I care a lot for and I love him in a different way from Angel, Angel was just infatuation.  Love is about butterflies not lightening bolts, and the thing about butterflies is that at first they're eggs, then caterpillars, then they become butterflies.

If I was to write to Dr.Phil...

     As long as my name and face isn't revealed I'd totally be on the show.  I'm definitely not the type of person though to be looking for attention.  Although I may, like they said on todays episode, it's like a bandaid being ripped off fast.  If I want to be taken seriously, I want to talk to Dr. Phil, he seems so intelligent, thoughtful, and like he cares about the few people that do get on the show, but I wouldn't care if he just showed up one day and chatted (which will NEVER happen).  All my psychologists and psychiatrists (except my psychiatric practitioner who was in Vietnam & who is a member of Mensa think's I'm bat shit crazy).

I've emailed the show before of course, because I have a lot of things that are going on.  My life is like a neverending soap opera, but I'm beginning to scare myself.

I watch the show a few times a week (DVR) & it's just very interesting how some things I get.

A few details about me, I am 21 years old, muscular but overweight (I think I sort of keep the weight on because I don't want to be looked at just because I'm pretty.

I am short, intelligent & highly creative.

Everyday I fight with anorexia (I used to have absolutely no muscle & my hair would fall out, I was very thin & it began in adolescence) , however; I also have a rare genetic mutation that causes me to absorb copper called Wilson's Disease (which could cause anorexia).  My sibling & I were actually "the first" people to go on television to talk about it.  We were on the Sharon Osborne show, it was a make a wish thing.  I did not want to go on T.V., but I did it for other people like myself.

My parents were never really there, I have gaps in my childhood memories.

My sibling was molested by her best friend when she was like 6, she is a (battling) drug addict (everything from crack to smoking oxycontins) and she's very beautiful.  She's done modeling too.   Here's one of the professional pictures of her.  http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/profile-ak-snc1/v225/987/26/n1455247104_3484.jpg

 She was gang raped when she was 13 years old (barely 13), & she tried to kill herself many times.  I once witnessed her flatlining in the hospital, my mother screaming at her "Stefanie! Stefanie!".  I walked out, no one realized I was there, I embarrassedly admitted to a visually unnerved nurse that my sister was dead as I walked to the waiting room.

   Once I had walked in on my father looking at pictures of dead people, I guess he was curious.  I realized that's where I must have gotten it from.  Ever since I was a child I was interested in the dead.  I never hurt animals though, I would never.  I can hardly eat meat, I just think of human flesh.  However, I was a vegetarian on and off for years.  I developed an allergy to my favorite foods such as rice, apples, and tomatoes, so apparently my body wasn't happy - along with the fact that I bled and bruised like a beaten housewife.  Now I eat meat 2-3 times a week when I force myself to eat.  I'm slipping though and have lost a lot of weight recently.  I go days without eating, I just forget I guess.

Anyway, so my sisters crazy.

The day before christmas eve when I was 17 years old, I saw my sister thrown out of a truck.  My intuition is oddly accurate & I seem to be in the "right place" and the "right time" to witness horrible things.  She was a prostitute and insisted on being home with us for Christmas (she is a Jew for Jesus, I am an atheist although due to my intuition that creeps people out, it makes me more agnostic.  Perhaps we are all a scientific experiment - existence could potentially be in our minds.  No I never saw the Matrix).

My mother was sick with her multiple sclerosis & mersa where she had her hysterectomy because she had adhesions & a fibroid the size of a grapefruit in her uterus along with endometriosis (my sister has it too).

I had to help take care of my mother from a young age, maybe 13-14 when she began getting sick.  My parents who were divorced were on and off again.  They remarried when I was 19 or so, I was not pleased.

The night after my sister was thrown out of a truck by a pimp I was brutally raped.  It was sort of my fault in the fact that I was stupid enough to meet someone online within 15-30 minutes of knowing them at 3am to watch a DVD because I was so depressed & lonely.  It was Christmas eve morning.

I was a virgin, thin, beautiful, and had never even been kissed because I believe that human minds aren't mature enough to do so until after the age of 18 (especially when it comes to sex).

Strangely this happened the day after my sister was thrown out of the car, & he messaged me specifically live on myspace which has since been deleted (although more out of, it's in my past - I held onto it until approximately 2 months ago).

I was duct taped, brutally raped, he had a large wad of cash on him & somehow knew I was a virgin.  He had duct tape & a towel.  His name is Keith Reidel and he went to jail on a phishing charge, I contacted the FBI when the police didn't believe me.  They said that he acted very innocent in prison.

After I turned 18 I became a bit of a slut, but I've since grown out of it.

As of a year ago I cut every day, until I cut so deep (maybe 9 months ago) I hit my muscle.  I went to my doctor because I didn't want to be institutionalized.

I've also gained a lot of weight, however, we believe this is due to lyrica because many of my doctors believe I have fibromyalgia.  I was still a college student while on it for biology, but I was still getting sick.  Many other Wilson's Patients and I agree that I probably have Dystonia and Pseudosclerosis, there are over 300 mutations of the disease & each mutation presents itself differently.  My grandfather also has Parkinsons on my mothers side, so I also have the concern that perhaps I might be experiencing early symptoms of such - but I don't think about it.

Now I don't go to school, I am in too much pain all the time.  I stopped taking a lot of opiates that were prescribed such as oxycontin without any withdrawl after being on Vicodin since I was 17 after the rape.  It was a very brutal attack and my body was never the same, I was institutionalized a few days after for beating my sister up (I was generally not a violent person, but she was going to meet her PIMP that threw her out of a CAR).

The police & the hospital didn't take me seriously.  It's heart breaking, because I think that hurts more than the rape (although I used to think only ugly people were into bondage before, so it was on my computer even that night.  My friend in Australia and I were talking about it & I looked at a bunch of pictures & said "Yep, all ugly.").  The police found a documentary I made for my sister, of my sister all screwed up on drugs and thought it was bondage.  They also didn't look at the yahoo chats like I told them too.  I printed out so much evidence just myself, and at the mental institution the bruises finally showed up, especially on my back/rib.  They made me get an xray.  I destroyed everything in the house, my arms were sprained, it was truly terrible.

But what hurt the most was the way I was treated, as if I was a whore and a liar.

I am generally a very strong person, I am an INTJ yet I waver and sometimes am an ENTJ I believe.  

Ever since the rape I've been obsessed with death and murder.  I used to look at dead people online up until several months ago, but I don't anymore.  I like to slap my boyfriend around a little when he's acting up (or in bed...), but I do care for him a lot and treat him very well.  I have an obsession with being the abuser.

I heard that 1 in 8 people that are abused, become an abuser.

One of the reasons why I hate meat the most is because I watched a video of these children murdering a man with a cinder block on a some metal rodding, his face looked like grounded beef.

I couldn't take it, I do have empathy...yet I look at all humans as animals as well - ones that think too much & not all of them I believe deserve to live.

It is approximated by a few doctors that my IQ is 200 due to my spatial skills, intellect, artistic skills (I believe that should fall under spatial? I don't know I don't look this stuff up because I take it all with a grain of salt), although I sincerely doubt that.  When I was tested when I was 14 or so it was in the 130s, so if it has risen (which I don't doubt it has since all I do is read scientific articles most of the time and textbooks for fun, and whenever I get stoned I feel guilty and do algebra and fractions to reassure myself that I am indeed intelligent - even if I can't pass tests sometimes).

I have a lot of problems with my gender identity, and I have since I was little.  My sister always needed attention due to her being molested, so I let my parents give it to her. I was fine myself, and although I could not speak until I was 4 (not fully at least, I had to go to a special school), I still would develop "Rube Goldberg machines" before then, due to thinking deepfully and the course of action and reaction. One of my earliest memories other than making things involving dominoes, whatever I could find around the house and special clear marbles from my aunt (and one of those light things that have a black cover & holes where you put colorful things in it...what's it called - eh it was popular in the 80s).  Also, I once made a crude lever and pulley system that involved a couple of tied jumpropes, 2 chairs, a little bucket and a teddy bear.

    I just contemplate constantly, how we are all recycled atoms and energy - how incredible it is, & how primitive we all truly are.

   Sexuality seems fluid to me, as does gender.  However, since I was little I always felt like I was more of a man.  I think that is why I did not pursue the opposite gender that much or wear makeup until my mother and father asked if I was gay when I was 14.  "It'll be alright, you can tell us." "Well I'm not really attracted to men, so I might be." "WE'RE CALLING LAURA (a therapist)." "No, no I was just confused by the question, I'm straight!"

   I think I am pansexual, it doesn't matter what gender they are, or even if they're a transgendered person.  I am too to some degree.  If I could snap my fingers and be a man I think I would (but I'm really short, hopefully I wouldn't be a short man).

    I noticed that men liked my voluptuous body (although it was nicer 20-25 lbs ago, so I'm working on it - I already lost perhaps 20 lbs, I gained 40 when my life went to Hell last year after my boyfriend dumped me right before my 21st birthday, I have a better one now though).

    Love is never supposed to hurt, butterflies not lighteningbolts is what I read.  I had been in a very abusive relationship.

     After my boyfriend dumped me I grew my leg hair out, armpit hair, even facial hair (I started growing a small platinum beard, so perhaps it is more of a hormonal related issue, or I just had a goatee because I got older whatever).  My hair had been blue for 2 years before that too, and I dyed it dark ash blonde (now it's pretty much my natural color medium dirty blonde).


   I even dressed in boys clothing again except for some girl yoga pants.

     I dunno, I have a lot of issues and my psychologists never seem to take me seriously or they do too much, & on a daily basis I think about torturing and killing rapists & childmolesters - and it spreads to anyone who is a bad person.  I have even gone so far as to telling people that I hope that they live a long and healthy life so they can watch everyone they love become ill and die (like of aids).

       I'm a flip flopper vegetarian, attracted to men, women, and transvestites and transexuals, I feel like a man, I cut myself a lot, nearly killed my sister one night because she is just BLEEPING CRAZY (I saw that she was just an injured animal, huddling after my retorts/attacks [she attacked me first though, I had slept with her ex boyfriend a year earlier - yet everyone in the house said it was fine to date him even my psychologist at the time because it had been to my knowledge several years since they had dated).

       I destroy peoples self esteem when I encounter bullies, I have done that since I was a child though.

       I'm weird, no one takes me seriously and I don't want to tell anyone what I think.  I'm told I'm morbid, yet every night I watch something like Penelope (a fairy tale), or Tinkerbell.  Every time I sleep I dream of horrible things, accidentally killing people, I don't even have a license.  I have a phobia of driving on the open road, and of being around lots of people.  It is like they are all judging me, and I am becoming more like an Agoraphobic every day (which I was for a year after dropping out of college & being in a mental institution after having a bad reaction to Effexor, it made me psychotic.  Anti-depressants seem to do that other than Cymbalta).

     I am also in pain, constantly.  It started at 13 which led to my diagnosis of Wilson's Disease by accident.  My joints were so loose they would come out of their sockets & swell.  My joints still hurt immensely, as does my spine along with my muscles spasming constantly.  I am quite muscular only for that reason, they're constantly spasming.  I also have constant nausea and vomiting, so I smoke something illegal that helps with that.  I loathe stoners, however, now I see it as more of a Tylenol PM or a Nyquil medicinal thing.   If you're in pain or ill, I think it is much better to consume an herb that's been used for hundreds (if not thousands) of years by many different cultures.  However, abusing it is not cool.  Not cool at all.  I do not do drugs like my sibling, I do not smoke cigarettes (although I tried to become addicted to see if I could - I cannot.  It's weird, I know - but the perfect scientific subject is myself) & this email is too long.

   I want to write a book on my life, however, I am afraid I will humiliate my family & perhaps a ghost writer might be necessary so that they can put things into perspective...although I think I would do a good job..it would be a very long book.

     I am in excruciating pain all the time, I feel as though I have lost some of my humanity, recently I've started this fetish where I pretend I'm dead and my boyfriend is a necropheliac (he doesn't like that much, but he has his own foot fetish so I say tomahto & he says tomato).

     Dr.Phil & staff -  please help me unravel my mind, because right now when I think of how other people must perceive me (I avoid my friends now, I have lost many & pushed them away for their own good I believed, so much drama) - I say to myself "WTF."  I am morbid to many people, I do not fit with society, and my life is in shambles.  My siblings addictions destroy me.

    I think she would be on the show as well, however, my parents not so much.  I cannot tell anyone these things I have mentioned here, it is as though I am hiding.

          I say to my doctors (particularly pertaining to the pain part, I even walked around with Pancreatitis for 2 weeks or so due to my tolerance and distrust in humanity), "I am 21 years old, what am I supposed to do - lay in bed crying all the time? Because I did that for a while and I'm tired of it."
 
         I just want to be healthy and contribute to society in a positive way, and I want to genuinely smile while I'm doing so.  Hurting the way that I do physically and emotionally isn't productive.  Please help myself along with my sibling.  She really needs drug treatment & such, she is currently living with man who served in jail for 13s, who is old, who attempted to strangle her to death claiming it was his "alternate personality perhaps", etc.

      I wish I was lying, how I wish I was lying.

    "I'm 21 years old, I am not going to allow myself to be held back emotionally anymore if I want a bright future."

     And Dr.Phil, I want a bright future - even if that requires airing out my dirty laundry.