Genius, sigh

    So Herman came, and went.  He is 71 years old, and a former biochemistry professor.  He says I am like his adopted daughter, he is my nurse practitioner who does this for his retirement (even though he's already a very rich person).  He told me that he thinks my IQ is 200 as he smiled upon my halfhearted sketches discarded on the dining room table, as if they were drawings by Da Vinci himself.

    He thinks that I should be with a male that is more suited to me intellectually, and although I liked on a long time ago he and I are not compatible.  I can see through him, which he wasn't used to.

   Peter is very smart, Herman doesn't disagree, he just thinks "Not as smart as you."

    I sit here with Peter sometimes and I ache to have an interesting long psychological and philosophical conversation, but he gets bored and doesn't listen or reply.  Or understand sometimes.  Sometimes he does, but it's all about interests.  He can do the 3d models and whatnot very well, he is also subordinate, but not really.  He's just ...goin with the flow.   Like I do.  But sometimes I just need to rearrange his flow.

   Whenever I try to talk to people about how I feel, so different and such, and how so much is riding on my 'intelligence' as perceived by others...they get annoyed.  They think I'm trying to ... hmmm brag?  I would rather be ignorant & blissful than super intelligent and miserable.

  The only thing that gives me some solace, is the fact that I am not alone in this world.  I just have to keep quiet, because only 1 person out of 100 could usually understand me.  I think about how we're all recycled atoms, energy, particles.  Once I could have been something big, or millions of times I could have been part of so many huge emotional things.  Like, maybe I was the snake that allegedly killed Cleopatra, maybe I was also a T Rex Dinosaur, a star in the milky way, a Martian, the first cat ever to be born - the list is endless.  So many interesting things, and perhaps after I am dead I will be apart of something bigger as well, as my atoms disperse.  Then when my family and friends are dead too, maybe, we will find each other & become one again.